FOCUS
So, after writing about "Type-A" personalities, a friend brought up the idea of focus, something that I believe becomes a challenge for many of us -- ill or not. Thanks, Donna, for reminding me of this.
Focus -- it's something that has been very compromised in my life by narcotics, depression, and plain old illness. I am trying to return to a more linear approach to life -- something that has never been quite "me." A long time ago, I was taught a method of focused mindfulness that works well, when you do it.
It consists of simply telling yourself, as you are doing things, "I am doing this now. I am washing my hands. I am sweeping the floor. I am writing this post." As you do it, you are "in" it because you are also dedicating your language to it. You can say anything you want about your "task," as long as you are talking (thinking) about it with these descriptive sentences. "The water is hot. This soap smells like lavender." And so on.
One of our "productive society's" tendencies tends to be to do one thing while thinking of another, or of several other things. In truth, it renders the task at hand one done without respectful attention. It lends itself to error, and jobs not attentively and well-done. We are constantly pressing ourselves to be "multi-taskers," and when this multi-tasking is not controlled by a perfectly together, healthy Type-A persona, it leads to fragmentation and scattering of the mind.
At least this is true for me. "Mindfulness" practice is wonderful, and I am getting to know it all over again. There are tomes and tomes out there about this, as it has now become quite a popular cultural topic in the States. (Currently, for example, I am reading a book on mindfulness and chronic pain.)
My husband is the most linear person whom I have *ever* met. I used to think that it was not as efficient or "quick" as I was. It somehow seemed plodding when I compared it to my flying around doing a million things. I now, after many, many years, see that he gets many more things done than I, and they are always done with care and attention. If he is driving, he is driving. If he is reading, he is reading. If he is cooking, he is cooking. He enjoys the well-deserved reputation of a man whose work is always quality and who *gets the job done right.*
Another things that his mindful, linear "way" gives him is a communication mode that is wonderful -- he is completely PRESENT. He doesn't go off on jags of thought, he doesn't fly off the subject, he solidly listens, with complete attention, He knows what I have said, and is respectfully thought of, and responded to. Now me? Ha. I am all over the place. One thing I say relates to another, and *that* to yet another...and conversation is like a big tree with a million branches...fun? Perhaps? Interesting? Perhaps...but attentive to the theme at hand? No. My conversation is frequently a flight through the gigantic tree of a million branches and turns. Some people are driven crazy by my "horses bursting forth."
I have been working on this, and it has been very interesting to discover the ways that society, and I, have formed this personality of inefficiency, in the name of multi-tasking. It has been very intriguing to catch myself and to effect changes in myself at almost 60 years old. Very intriguing to observe my ways. To *gently* observe them. "Gently" is an operative word. This is not a personal growth efficiency competition any more. It is a serious, calm look. A look at my ways, my unquestioned modes that no longer serve me well.
Granted, as young Mothers, and in other positions of life, multitasking is the name of the game. Nevertheless, I am not a Mother, and I have no need to be a multi-tasker. It is simply a product of a society that presses the trait (confusing it with efficiency), and my personality, which is hyper and naturally energetic and nervous. It has not been a gift, and as the years of illness and heart-struggles have endured, this "multi-tasking" has detracted from both my quality of life and from the task at hand, which is commonly left unfinished, along with several other unfinished tasks.
You have no idea the quantity of *started* projects I have looming around me, and the scarcity of finished projects present. And the result of that is the old self- punishment -- "You are a flake now, Joana, you can't do *anything!* You are a loser."
Yes, such a help. Again, "gentle" is an important word in this whirlwind of self-re-description. Becoming something else requires friendliness toward ourselves. As someone recently said — something that I love and will adopt — “You can’t hate yourself into self-love. “ Simple but spot-on.
I am typing this post now. I am about to drink my tea. I am signing off now. I am sending my love. Tee hee.
Sending Love, Joana
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