FIGHTING FAIR

FIGHTING FAIR

Tenets for individuals and groups.

I was going to go out with Leif and his boss, but that got postponed. We decided to go out and have a drive. I started feeling pretty sick. We decided to stop and have a sandwich. I realized that we had to get home. We got into a fight about something stupid on the way to the house. He dropped me off and drove away. 

I am in no mood to write. However, I felt that I wanted to share this little slice of my life because 1. most people think that I am always happy, and that because I have a stable marriage, that we don't ever fight, or hurt each other, and 2. I want to share with you what I decide to do while licking my wounds and feeling that awful, empty, very isolated feeling that encroaches upon every fibre of peace within me when I am hurt.

I rarely let times of difficulty just pass by. I like to challenge myself, or analyze my actions and the things that I can improve upon. I like to poke and prod the places that hurt.

A very common and -- in my opinion-- grave LACK in our culture is that we are not taught how to fight fairly. Yes, how to fight.  It's all cool to say, "Well, the ideal thing is not to fight!" but as we ALL know, fights happen. Unless we are the exception, we WILL occasionally fight with our loved ones, our partners, our friends, business colleagues, our children, workmates, and people in the general public. And since we have never been taught about the best fair-fight practices, we tend to really, really screw up.

The most embarrassing sides of me come up when I am hurt and in a fight. I am MUCH better at fair fighting than I was (I was pathetic), but still am not where I would like to be. This is something that I will work on until my last day. 

90% of us unfortunately show our ugly, embarrassing fight-side every once in a while. We can be perfectly delightful, stable, fun, normal people when things are good, but as soon as the elements of hurt feelings and fights come up, out the door go calm, maturity, and trust. Suddenly the most basic principle of ethics and fair communication go down the drain.

Not to mention the fact that even though *I* may be in a good place to fight fairly, when I am with someone who does not fight fairly, NO progress can be made. Fights, in and of themselves are not really that horrible or bad. Most of them don't have to be, anyway. Indeed, they present us with opportunities to grow -- to really take a look at such things as the side of us that said, " _______" when we KNOW that it was not helpful or beneficial... you know, that kind of thing.

Fighting will happen, and the things that society teaches us to do when we find ourselves fighting are usually the VERY WORST for hopeful communication and quick or at least steady healing.

Fair fighting:

**1. Addresses the *issue at hand* (not your past; not how "you always _____", not about other things) It is not muddled with past stories, hurts, and other such things. Other things come up, OK, but deal with one issue at a time.

**2. Does not jump to cut off the other person.

**3. Does not roll eyes or make faces or sigh deeply.

**4. Does not name call.

**5. Does not look for battering the other person; looks for *bettering* the other person.

**6. Is marked by listening skills, VERY FEW people know how to listen.

**7. Never condones acting like a martyr. NO acting dramatic to make the other feel guilty. 

**8. Does not bring up old issues, unless asked to.

**9. Assumes that each partner respects the other and if not...assumes that behavior will be respectful throughout the fight

**10. Does NOT entertain sarcasm. That is simply not even considered.

**11. Does not entertain laughing off the other's upset, or trying to "show them how silly they are being." If they are upset, it is not funny or silly to them, and should not be to you.

**12. Does not end, or have to end with a solution, answer, or "fix." Most times, resolution and healing simply *begins* with the fight/discussion. THEN, "brewing" time lends itself to coming back to the theme later, and improving. The fight is not to just be forgotten if it has had to do with something that is hurtful to either person. Resentment grows wild if that happens. I feel it in me tonight.

**13. Does not EVER do or threaten to do something to make the other person worry (go off drinking, or take pills, or other such reactions).

**14. Does not refer to the other's behavior ("Oh *now* you're gonna get all defensive!" or "Here we go..." or "So now you're all _______!? Great. Just great." ) It serves nothing.

**15. Does not assume that the other is out to take them down. The issue being fought about is CLEAR.

**16. Does NOT require "team building" The rampant trend to go and tell everybody what happened, and build "your side," your little cheerleading team, against the other person, is destructive and SHAMEFUL. If you have the slightest bit of respect for the person with whom you have fought, NOBODY else needs to know the ins and outs of the fight. You know who you are. You know what you want and don't want. You do NOT need anybody to help tell you that. If so, it should be sought through trusted, impartial people whom you consider to be wise. This is not a friend-fest.

I know that it is tempting. Quite frequently, I very consciously hold my tongue about the various slights that I feel, and little things that happen that I think are rotten, unfair behavior. However, in the end, it means that 1. I am not spending MY LIFE (how many minutes? Hours?) wallowing in negative language and thoughts, and 2. in the end, I like, and go for the idea that most of the "Joana" that I show is one of love. Of caring. Of helpfulness.

When emotions are high, people -- me included -- can say some very nasty things. I have NEVER seen good come of sharing the fight with anybody and everybody, never. If others must be consulted, then they need to be people of very loving, neutral position, or people envy distant to the whole thing. To have the need to feel strengthened by others' approval, or others' jumping on the bandwagon to agree, "Yes, what an asshole!" or "Damned right, she's a bitch!" is particularly soul-emptying. It is low and stirs up hateful feelings and language. We are staining our world. When I have done that, I feel small and go to bed feeling embarrassed for myself.

Disrespect = Sighing. Eye rolling. Cutting off the person speaking. Jumping to defend ourselves while the other person is talking. Becoming so ego-bound that all we can do is hear "attack," not the words of the speaker. Making it all about us -- whether we are good, bad, right, wrong, etc. Usually fights are about specific incidents, actions, and things, NOT about our worth as human beings. When we confuse the two, we're sunk. And unfortunately, we do it 99% of the time.

When this fight happened, I felt terrible. I confused the fight with the (negative) ways I feel about myself and my life. If I feel hurt, it is a sensation that stems from a place where I lock away all of my hurts. Hence, a fight for me is doubly upsetting because it takes me to the lock-box of past trauma. It touches everything hurtful. I have a hard time separating those things and also know that this is a very, very common experience. 

I see all the things in the house that I have not been able to do. I see the bills pile up. Suddenly, I am feeling worthless.

This all came out of a fight about something completely unrelated!

We get all messed up and tripped out when we fight. AND IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.

But we have never been taught. I am trying to teach myself through reading and experience. It is very hard. But as they say, "I can only keep my side of the street clean." And I am feeling rather tired for sweeping tonight, sigh...

I am going to write more about this. Hope you enjoy my sharing it. Though painful for me, it is *still* fascinating.  I am in the “hurt hangover,” which takes several days to clear.